As I sit at my desk in front of my laptop trying to force myself to work, I find myself mindlessly opening new tabs and automatically, without thinking, opening the site formerly known as Twitter. Facebook. Etc. Bullshit.
I keep doing it without wanting to. Without thinking.
It’s just reflexive. Typing in the first couple three letters of these sites happens SO FAST. Repeatedly.
When I’m not immersed in something and am trying to transition to doing the next right thing, but I don’t know or don’t remember what that next right thing is.
Or when something I started fizzled out or threw in an extra step or five unexpected obstacles and I’m just overwhelmed and distracted and not sure if I should even proceed.
Yes, I know you can use blockers and such. But managing that shit is not worth the amount of time I wind up saving with them. After using some of them I have at least found them to be annoying and at times counter-productive enough that I’ve given up on them. For now, anyway.
Some of this is also an inability to recognize when I have finished something, and need to switch gears into switching gears mode. THE HARDEST. I think I need to practice with this, and physically stand up, spin around … have some kind of little ritual that physically informs my whole being that I have MOVED away from doing one thing, and it is now time to do another. To physically TRAVEL from one task to another.
A lot of these problems are compounded by working for myself at home. Then again, a lot of the solutions are only possible because I am working at home (and alone) in my own space (something that has not been standard or consistent and that I still don’t take for granted or feel like I can totally rely on).
I can stim. I can get up and dance or wiggle. I can pace. I can masturbate (that can wind up being a rabbit-hole of time-wasting too, though). But I am still needing practice giving myself permission to do these things, and recognize the necessity of them, on top of having to overcome the inertia and resistance to “interrupting” my desk work focus even when I should be aware that my focus has already been interrupted and I am no longer in flow. I’m afraid if I get up I will have an even harder time getting back to work instead of being able to recognize MOVEMENT HELPS. MOVEMENT HELPS EVERYTHING. And even if it’s not “productive” as far as work goes, it is always productive for my health and my body and my feels (as long as I don’t feel guilty about it). But I am worried — justifiably so — that I will get off track and just pace and wiggle and spaz out for such a long time I will not have any left to finish what I “need” to get done, and/or will tire myself out.
I have so much fear and grief when I acknowledge and start to accept the reality of my wiring and my limitations along with potential solutions and/or ways of coping, and see HOW LITTLE TIME I REALLY HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. The wiring and the solutions EAT UP A LOT OF TIME. I feel really sad and scared there will not be enough left over.
Some of the solution for THAT, then, is to recognize and prioritize ways that I am really super fast and efficient. Of course, then I have to accept that some of the things I want to do do not employ those skills / enable that kind of strong skillful flow. And then I think “you need to just file for bankruptcy, give up all of these pipe dreams, and get a job in a warehouse or being a convenience store woman / cashier.”
Back to the original topic of this post, though, before I got sidetracked by my frustration and untangling the reasons why it is this way: playing games on my phone feels like a way healthier way to waste time than scrolling through so much stressful, gross, insane, fake, sad, and stupid shit that constitutes “social” media. Especially since I spend very little or no time on the “community” or interactive aspects of gaming. This may be EXTRA true during election season, particularly with none of it being normal since Trump got in the White House (in part because of “social” media, bots, and the internet having gotten to a point where it is accessible and normal to be on it, and actual news outlets not being able or willing to responsibly compete with Facebook, Twitter, etc.
I’m not saying “social” media and user-generated content is all bad. What I’m saying in this post is it’s easy to think you’ll just take a peek at your feed. That you’re just microdosing a little sidetracking content that doesn’t have any impact on you. But then hours and bowls full of tears later you realize you most definitely HAVE been impacted and sidetracked many miles beyond a casual walk around the block.
YouTube at the stage it’s at now is, for me, the exception to the social media time-wasting rule. But I really don’t compulsively open YouTube for a quick break between tasks. I like longer-form content there and usually have a purpose (to find out how to do something, for example) or want to actually watch a whole thing that I know is not relevant to whatever task(s) is/are at hand.
Here’s what I know: if I had kids, I would worry much less about them spending hours playing games than scrolling social media, consuming people’s TikTok and Insta stories, etc. As long as their game play didn’t involved chatting or messaging with other players beyond extremely limited and relatively kind game-focused rooms, that is.